Death on the Nile (2022)

 

Running Time: 127 minutes

Media: Cinematic release at local cinema

While I love my local cinema, it's cozy and simple, and reminds me of the times I used to go to the Beverly Hills Twin Cinema when I was much younger, I've had to deal with the fact that a) we're still living our lives within a pandemic, b) seats are a lot tougher to acquire as a result and c) I was surrounded by other movie-goers wanting to watch the film. I'm still a little paranoid about other movie-goers being too close, can you blame me?

Anyhow, I tried to not let this detract me from enjoying this film. Like the first film, Murder on the Orient Express, the audience is treated with a star-studded ensemble cast, including director/actor Kenneth Branagh once again as the famous Hercule Poirot and his good friend, Bouc, played by Tom Bateman. Throw in Armie Hammer, Gal Gadot, Annette Benning, Letitia Wright, a very serioous Russell Brand (which blew my mind) and the team up of none other than both Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders among many others and you have a feast for the eyes and ears.

We're treated with a brief history look back at 1914 during World War I, which explains a few things regarding Poirot, and his double handlebar moustache. I love the fact that there was consideration of detailing this as a means of explaining part of his own history, and detailing information about his lost love, Katherine. I felt this was a great way of tying up the two films together to provide context that viewers of both films could enjoy. While you didn't need to be a fan of Agatha Christie's books to enjoy these films, these small details provided something that can help sutain the cinematic universe being created by these two films.

The film fast forwards to three years after the events of Murder on the Orient Express, which lead to Poirot witnessing events unfold between a love triangle between Linnet Ridgeway (Gadot), Simon Doyle (Hammer) and Jackie de Bellefort, and then having his life entwined when he finds himself in Egypt and coming across Bouc flying a box kite on one of the Great Pyramids ("because no one has ever done it before" according to Bouc... Hell, why not?)

Poirot is then invited to join in the festivities of Linnet and Simon's wedding, with Jackie in stalker mode, and a number of guests at Assouan; and then leading to the events of all parties boarding the S.S. Karnak to travel along the Nile. Some time later, despite Linnet's concerns that she does not trust any of her guests (which to be honest, is a bit of a weird thing... after all, why invite a number of people you don't trust to your own wedding?), she is found dead, shot in the head. Let the investigation begin!

All guests have underlying stories as to why they are there, and their relation to the bride and the groom. A former fiancee, a cousin lawyer, a former school friend, the groom's former lover, the godmother, a family friend, the maid and more, all get their time in the spotlight. I have to admit, seeing Russell Brand in a serious role floored me... He needs to do more of those... Armie Hammer, I don't know... he seemed... very out of place in this film, almost a caricature of himself, and his dance routine with Emma Mackey as Jackie at the start of the film seemed like nothing more than a raunchy distraction which felt like it didn't belong in this type of film. I guess I'm speaking from a place as one who has read a number of Agatha Christie's novels, and the storyline compared to what I saw in the film, I guess I had some difficulty making the connection.

Having seen Gal Gadot in a number of empowered roles (Fast & Furious, Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman '84, Justice League, Batman vs Superman, and more recently Red Notice) recently, it's difficult to see her as a vulnerable woman in the eyes of the audience. I keep expecting her to kick ass, so her character potrayal while refreshing is not as believeable. As usual her beauty shines, but unfortunately, in this film her character shines far less... 

Letitia Wright's accent as Rosalie Otterbourne feels forced, and thus sounds fake, despite her character's wholesomeness. Ali Fazal's portayal of Andrew Katchadourian comes across as a token villain, and the portayal of French and Saunders together as a duo once more in more ways than one in the story (you will understand what I mean once you come across the relevant scene three-quarters through the film) feels contrived to appeal to certain modern-day demographics, especially considering that this wasn't how they were portrayed in the source material. It seems it was only really thrown in there as an afterthought. Annette Benning as Bouc's mother comes across like an overbearing mother who wants nothing more than to protect her son.

The background scenery throughout the film is beautiful with wonderful shots of Egyptian landmarks, even though filming took place only in England, so kudos to the editors to blending in these shots with the filmed work in England. The costumes are more vibrant than what I expected to be present in the late 1930's, to help brighten the plot and help the audience focus on the majority of the somewhat two-dimensional characters.

Throughout the film, Branagh's Poirot shines, not just with regards to his egotistic behavior of being the world's greatest detective, but also when this persona is flipped on its ass when he realizes how vulnerable he himself is. Seeing Poirot as vulnerable is something you wouldn't see in Andrew Suchet's or Peter Ustinov's portrayals, so this is refreshing and we as an audeience find ourselves relating and empathizing with him as we take the journey with him. Bateman as Bouc follows through from Orient Express with his whimsical devil-may-care outlook on life through to the end, and this is commendable. You find yourself getting hit hard towards the end when you find this lifestyle coming back to haunt him. Russell Brand... Oh my f[CENSORED]king god, knowing what I have seen of his other films like Arthur, Get Him to the Greek, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and then seeing this side of him has made me appreciate the man much more. I want more serious roles for him. This is like what I saw with Jim Carrey in The Majestic, a flip side which makes you think "Wow."

The soundtrack is peppered with jazz numbers sung by Sophie Okonedo and others which are catchy, amid orchestration which is easily forgettable. This film is just enough to get you escaping to the 1930's and having you observe the unravelling of the tale without having to delve into the source material, while still maintaining a considerable grasp of it, with enough changes to warrant a 21st century's audience's attention. I'm giving Death on the Nile 3½ stars and hoping that they bring the third of the series out... Hopefully a rendition of "Death in the Clouds"?

Ghostbusters (2016)

Running Time: 117 minutes

Media: Streamed via Netflix

Okay, I find myself at a bit of a crossroads at the moment, trying to figure out how to approach this movie in a more critical yet fair sense while not appearing fanboy or mysoginistic... I think I have a way to do it so I'll just run with it...

This movie isn't perfect by any means. The four leading ladies who are all brilliant comic actors in their own right pull this movie off reasonably with a little cringe-worthy humor, but I must admit I'm a little bit sold on this movie paying some homage to its original source despite the fact there were times I felt they were trying. Like the original Ghostbusters film, it's meant to be a light-hearted film with comedic bits as the four main characters do what they can to save New York (and the world as we know it) from a full supernatural invasion... Unlike the original, it's gag after gag after gag after gag after gag... You know the family friend or uncle that consistently tries to tell jokes over and over again without taking the time to take a breath? It's like that... It feels like being clubbed to submission with a water-soaked towel - you can handle the pain, but after the sixth or seventh time of being hit, you kinda just want to roll over and take it without a care in the world... The humor becomes dull and drawn out and you just surrender... but not in a good way.

You have Kristen Wiig as the Peter Venkman type, the skeptic who eventualy believes in ghosts; you have Kate McKinnon as the Egon Spengler type who seems more into the scientific and logical side of things, Melissa McCarthy as the Ray Stantz type who just seems to be enthusiastic about everything, and Leslie Jones as the Winston Zeddemore of the group... Four talented women, but together, it seems they're trying to compete for who gets the most laughs from the audience... 

There's male eye-candy in the form of Chris "I played Thor" Hemsworth as Kevin, this movie's answer to Janine Melnitz, Kevin... a somewhat more immature answer to it, and basically a himbo. Which kinda put me off, kinda reminded me of his character in MIB International, but worse...

And while there are the occasional cameos in place, with Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, Annie Potts and Sigourney Weaver... they are drowned out by the overly-extroverted attempts laid out by the four leading ladies who appear to be improvising in many cases within the film.

This competitiveness is somewhat indicative of them trying to work together, but in the end it comes across as them all effectively both trying to vie for individual attention and adulation... and it starts feeling like you're being swamped by one's nieces and nephews at Christmas time. The special effects were great considering it's been about three decades in between the original film and this, but it temporarily detracts from the true meat of the film, which isn't much. The plot is thin, there's ex-machina moments scattered throughout, and you are constantly reminded by all four leads that they're omnipresent within the film and not allowing the film to present itself and tell the story.

I walked away from this film feeling like I needed a shower to wash the feelings of just plain meh from having watched this film. It was a valiant attempt at trying to reboot the franchise, but Columbia Pictures clearly realized that this was only going to be a one-off and decided to focus their efforts on the original movie universe with Ghostbusters: Afterlife. As a result, I'm only going to give this film 2½ stars for a great idea, but a poor execution.

Alien (1979)

Running Time: 112 minutes

Media: DVD

A few months ago, a great actor, John Hurt died from cancer at the age of 77. This was one of his earlier movies, and it seemed to be a great idea for a tribute review in dedication of him. He will be forever remembered in his varied roles, including that of the titular Elephant Man, as Ollivander in the Harry Potter series, and the War Doctor in the Doctor Who franchise. He captured our hearts and imaginations and for that I am truly grateful that he graced our lives. Rest in peace, John.

So, without further ado, we move our focus to the actual film itself, Alien, released in 1979. Star Wars – A New Hope, which released some three years earlier served as the coat tails, for which this movie pretty much ride on, with Ridley Scott clinging on to George Lucas with his interpretation of what aliens could be.

Scott paints an eerie picture of isolation, desperation and horror in this film. But how well does it pay-off?

I will tackle the one at a time… Isolation, we have a deep space towing vessel, naturally, in deep space, making its way back to earth with a huge haul of some kind of magical space ore that must be worth a motza on the profits alone. Looking back on this some 38 years since its release, it seems quite cliche to say the least. To be honest, this movie did pretty much set the trend for many well-used film cliches over the next forty or so years. The sets alone, cold, dark, dimly lit and yet, correct me if in wrong here, some look like they had been padded with leather in places (?), still give a feeling of solitude. Hell, they even throw in a freaking cat into the mix to add the "We're all alone up here, let's give it the 'Crazy Cat Lady' feel" cliche. The cat served as a semi-plot device for part of the film, kinda like how Wilson the volleyball did in Cast Away, but less convoluted. Cat does jump-scare, where's the cat, must save cat from villain, end scene with cat...

I know the tagline of "In space no one can hear you scream" was meant to send chills down your spine; I mean, come on, this was meant to be for all intents and purposes, the first space horror, right? I kinda took this a little literally. Of course not, I thought, once you're in space, there isn't sufficient atmosphere to carry sound waves, not to mention, if you're in space, you'd freeze-dry before you could get the scream out. Maybe the tagline should have been written as "In the right kind of pressurized atmospheric environment, people could probably hear you scream"...?

But I digress... It's this setting that makes the audience feel isolated, kinda depressed and trapped, that it forces them to sit and live the plot as it unfolds. You feel the cabin fever and paranoia of Veronica Cartwright's character creep inside you as crew members get cut down, one by one. It's like watching Scream in outer space, but without the crazy motive. You already feel the inevitability of Tom Skerritt's character as soon as he enters the air ducts. You know he's gonna die in there. The lovely xenomorph does the lovely jump scare and you half expect it to say "Whassup!"

Personally, I thought this scene was somewhat comical in nature, a bit like the scene in The Exorcist where Reagan does the projectile vomit bit.

Desperation seems to drive paranoia and vice versa. Parker, played by Live or Let Die actor Yaphet Kotto, seems more focused on surviving for profits' sake. I have to admit, I was surprised that he and Lambert (Veronica Cartwright) lasted as long as they did. I'll be brutally honest, I wanted Lambert to die far sooner than she did in the film.

Now, let's focus on the horror aspect of Alien. I was three when this came out, I'm forty now, so thirty-seven years of experiences to prepare me for this film and what it had in store. I was gripped on the edge of my seat for about forty or so minutes while the Face Hugger latched onto Kane's face and played tonsil hockey, only to have it die later on, and then have the tiny alien burst out Kane's chest... It kinda went all anticlimactic after that. Jump scares and things latching onto faces and aliens bursting out of chests is all very well and good. But somehow, this teensy little alien hit xenomorph puberty and grew to umpteen feet in a few hours film time... What..!? How does that f[CENSORED]king work? Ridley, you have some explaining to do, bro.

Aside from these, there's the mouth on the tongue in a mouth thing... That's the stuff nightmares are made out of... How many levels does that go?

And to be honest, if you're into something that will make you feel both in awe and disgust, google "Xenomorph Pikachu".

But that aside, one thing most of us didn't expect seeing was an android, in this case, Ash, who basically blindly followed orders without a care. All crewmen were expendable. Fast forward to when Ripley, Lambert, Parker and Ash were the only crew members left, the 'android murder' scene was both scary and ridiculous at the same time. Parker managed to cut Ash's head off and was still flailing about like a headless chicken, but with what looked like semi-cooked linguine sticking out of his neck, and bleeding what looked like condensed milk... In fact, the android interrogation scene kinda looks like an orgy gone wrong. You just have to take my word for it and see the movie...

So let's cut to the chase. What did I think of Sigourney Weaver in the film? This initial performance as Ellen Ripley, I have to confess, was actually kinda wooden in places. Bearing in mind that this was her third film at that point in time, I kinda also blame Dan O'Bannon for writing her character that way. Ripley became less one-dimensional in later movies and so I fail to see why O'Bannon didn't consider any character development for Ripley within this film. I mean, she's meant to be the surviving cast member of this film, and we barely see her running away from the alien, let alone really facing up to it. More stay put, dodge, then blow it out the airlock... I don't know, it felt like it needed something to kick it up a notch. The face hugger scene was great, but once Tom Skerritt's character was on the chopping block, the film kinda followed suit. It almost feels like they were in a hurry to get to a happy-ish kind of ending and weren't afraid to make certain sacrifices to achieve that...

I'm willing to give Alien a 3½ star rating only because this was one of those watershed moments that dramatically changed the way we thought about horror and science fiction, even though it does lack in character development of the main protagonist and it rushes to the ending such that its lustre is lost on the audience. I hope to be reviewing the sequel Aliens soon, and I hope that I'll be giving it a higher rating.

The Queen

Running Time: 97 minutes

Media: TV Broadcast

I have a big crush on Helen Mirren, and she is by far one of the most attractive women of the silver screen. Seeing her in the role of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II was by far an inspired move on the part of the casting director, about a close second to the casting of Robert Downey, Junior as Tony Stark in Iron Man.

The film The Queen focuses on the events surrounding the death of Princess Diana on the 31st of August, 1997. Despite efforts of the Royal Family to treat the matter as a private affair and not to be treated as an official Royal death; public outcry throughout the United Kingdom as well as the firm, but gentle hand of then Prime Minister, Tony Blair (played by Underworld star Michael Sheen) the focus is moved to match the general public's desire for an official expression of grief by the Royal family. The events that transpire to this conclusion are reflected by the general public's steady decline of the monarchy, and an increase of Blair's popularity since his election some few months prior to the death of Diana. Ironically, the situation was reversed in real life with the film's release (September 15, 2006), which coincided with a revival of favor in the eyes of the public in respect to the monarchy and a downward trend in popularity for Blair, who resigned some several months later (June 27, 2007).

This film is a difficult one to critique, because the separation between truth and reality is somewhat blurred in historical/political films such as this. One could only really gather that this film is an aggregated average of events that transpired, based on witness testimony, the various television reports and the formal inquiry findings relating to Diana's death. Mirren plays the role of Elizabeth beautifully, portraying her in a manner that reflects the stern-faced monarch a number of people have associated her to be, how a queen should be portrayed, supposedly devoid of emotion. The ending scene is quite hilarious in the nature of her reaction to Blair's attempts at "small talk" (to put it mildly). Mirren plays the role with strength, courage and humility; I mean, let's face it, this is a huuuuuuge role to play... I am incredibly enamored with how convincing she plays the titular character. Mirren's popularity increased with the release of this film, which garnered general critical and popular acclaim for her; so much that Mirren was invited to dinner at Buckingham Palace after the film's release. However, due to filming commitments in Hollywood, Mirren couldn't attend the event. I just hope HRH didn't take the decline of the invitation to personally!

Blair played by Michael Sheen is effective; a little comical and his head is a little on the inverted egg shape, which differs somewhat to Blair himself, but indeed effective. His portrayal, no doubt, received some praise due to his reprisal of the role in movies The Deal (the previous film in which he played Blair) and The Special Relationship (a later release). Should I consider that reason enough to boost my rating of this film? Perhaps, but there are other factors.

James Cromwell, the only other A-grade actor to appear in this film plays the role of Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, is a well received panacea amongst the other events and characters that transpire throughout the film. He almost serves as comedy relief due to the use (or perhaps abuse) of the character and the stereotype set upon him as a prejudiced, opinionated royal who has nothing but insults to hurl at other characters and the general public. it's actually quite amusing seeing him refer to the crowds gathering at the memorials as Zulus, it's enough to make you cringe, but also enough to make you chuckle, in realizing that this is exactly what Prince Philip is renowned for. Cromwell looks and acts very similar to how I pictured the Royal back then, and not as the frail but still quite opinionated Prince Philip of today.

From here the cast kinda falls apart with semi lookalikes and events that may have just been added to the film as filler to pad it out to over ninety minutes. The chap playing Prince Charles, Alex Jennings... Where the hell did they conceive that this was a good idea? The poor casting of this character made Charles look like a crude caricature of himself at the very best! I'm sure that if they had looked a little harder they could have found three or four other actors who could very well have filled the role better than Jennings.

The Land Rover stuck in the river and the glancing of the deer scene, some five or so minutes that I will never get back again, regardless of the fact that she "was a mechanic during the War." I have no idea if this ever really happened... and yes, it was a beautiful stag. So was Bambi's dad, I hear... It seems incredibly irrelevant. The casting of Sylvia Syms as the Queen Mother was imaginative at best, almost making her seem like they had taken Hattie Jacques from the Carry On films and popped her in the film. Yeah... Nah.

So where does this leave us? It leaves us with a film that despite the brilliant casting of the title role, is screaming for attention and not really getting the full attention it deserves. It's like a 1972 Corvette Stingray, but with faded blue paint, high mileage and balding tyres... The potential is there, and we know what it is meant to be, but all we see is that it's trying to be something it no longer is... or at least something it could be with a little more work on it, including a tune-up and oil change. Peter Morgan has written the film wonderfully, but I'm left wondering whether I can take the overall film seriously, or the serious parts of the film overall. If I were to knowingly shave the non-essential parts of the film off, it could potentially be reduced down to about 17 minutes. However, despite this, this film has reaped the various awards set upon it, including 29 awarded to Mirren alone; so I cannot demote it completely. Therefore, I award this film 3½ stars, and still maintain that Helen Mirren is still one of the most attractive 68 year-olds in my humble opinion.

Justice League of America (1997)

Running Time: 82 minutes
Media: TV Movie

I remember seeing this when this first came out... I was young, I was naive, and I had seen The Flash TV series some seven years prior, thinking "This will be great!"

How cruelly wrong I was... I have dubbed this movie with a new label "Cringe-worthy", because it is just so... so... so ugh! What can I say... this is like Friends meets Modern Family plus superpowers... It just doesn't gel too well. I have to confess, it comes off almost more camp than the original Batman TV series, and even that show was more classy by comparison...

The story revolves around Tori Olafsdotter who eventually develops powers of ice manipulation, joins a somewhat ragtag team of superheroes that make the members of the Misfits of Science team seem top of the game, and defeats the arch-villain in this storyline, known as the Weatherman, who, surprise surprise, is actually a meteorologist gone mad with power...

The only real actors in this dismal failure of a TV series pilot were Miguel Ferrer, David Krumholtz, David Ogden Stiers and John Kassir... And even then, the parts they played have more cheese in them than a pound of Jarlsberg. The other actors in this film are relative unknowns who have appeared in various TV programs here and there... It's these other actors who seem like the unknown variables of a complex algebraic equation, hard to figure out, but it's no real loss if the overall answer is not important enough.

...And... it isn't... They throw in a lot of gimmicks, like the rather poor special effects, the superfluous dialogue, the poignant background music which is meant to appeal to the audience... It doesn't. I'd like to say that it's eighty-two minutes of my life that I am never getting back... but at least by having watched it, I can set myself up for bigger and better movies to watch, and thereby use this movie as a yardstick for comparison... This movie may even rival Sharknado or Sharktopus as a sheer contender for worst movie I have ever seen... until I get to see Plan 9 From Outer Space.

There are definite holes in the plot and the backgrounds of some of these superheroes deviates widely from the norm. Even Kenny Johnston, who plays the role of Barry Allen (aka the Flash) in this film, who is by far my all-time favorite superhero from DC Comics, plays a dead-beat unemployed lackadaisical version of the comic book incarnation I have grown to know and hold as a part of me; and that in itself, speaking as a comic book fan, and a fan of the Flash... is almost tantamount to sacrilege.

Miguel Ferrer, who plays the part of the "Weatherman", which seems to be a very poor attempt on the part of director Félix Enríquez Alcalá to envisage the Weather Wizard in human form seems almost (pardon the pun) comical in nature due to the sheer seriousness of his role. Not to mention that the alter ego of the Weatherman is not "Mark Mardon" (or Marco Mardon if you're reading The New 52 series, which would have been more effective, given the Latino derivation of Ferrer's name), but "Dr. Eno"... Ironically, his hammy portrayal as a criminal mastermind made me want to reach for the namesake antacid to counter the effects of how ill I was feeling watching this movie.

David Ogden Stiers, you may remember him as Major Charles Emerson Winchester III from the TV series M*A*S*H and I have to admit, the role doesn't suit him at all... mainly because his role is that of the Martian Manhunter J'onn J'onzz... J'onn is meant to be tall and muscular... Stiers, does not fit into either category... if anything, he was somewhat rotund... but that blue cape on his costume kinda hid that fairly well...

John Kassir, if you are a hardcore geek like I am, you will know is the voice of the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt TV series... He plays the role of Ray Palmer, a more timid, less bold version of his DC name-sake as The Atom. As a fan of his work, I am a little biased on this performance, but common sense kinda won in the end. I have to admit, he does well, but it is a little corny, but not so much as to render the role he plays as over the top... His romantic interest with Tori is a bit of an attempt to win the hearts of the audience, but it doesn't pull it off altogether... also the cliché of having face paint over the eyes, and yet when removing the mask there's none at all is a bit weird... and makes no sense...

David Krumholtz, who has appeared in other TV series, namely Numb3rs; plays B.B. DaCosta's (aka Fire) love interest in the film. I'll put this simply, it's cute and endearing, but the fact that he knows so much about her kinda feels like border-line stalking... it's actually kinda creepy... That's just the role Krumholtz plays... He's a great actor, but it just didn't cut it.

I have to confess, the TV movie was clever but I don't think it would have made it as a TV series if it had taken off, maybe a season of 13 episodes at most... and then it would have not survived going into a second season... But it was an honest mistake in well-intended efforts to get something off the ground... Maybe the fact that the animated series of Justice League, Justice League Unlimited as well as Young Justice may provide a foundation to how the upcoming live-action film should be. Meantime, Justice League of America receives 2½ stars... And a huge sigh of relief that it didn't surpass anything more than the pilot episode.